The last couple blogs I made were a bit heavy on information, so I would like to talk about being a mom and how it relates to my spiritual journey.
If you remember my previous blog posts about my fertility issues, then becoming pregnant and having a baby... it has now been a year a half since she was born. While it has been an amazing experience to witness a newborn grow into a tiny human with a personality and skills in only 1.5 years, it has tested me on multiple fronts, both as a person, and spiritually. Nobody prepared me for this, and nobody really could have.
"I was very socially awkward around children of any age and I preferred to hang out with adults."
To give some context, I will share a belief about myself that I had my entire life, right up until meeting my husband. I never wanted kids. Even when I was a kid, I hated kids. They were always in my face, slapping me, pulling my hair, bumping into me, saying mean things... I told myself I would never have children. (Hahaha...) I was very socially awkward around children of any age and I preferred to hang out with adults. I like to think I've gotten better at socializing with kids since having my own, as I will need that for my future endeavors. I don't really know what exactly changed my mind about having children, but I believe there were multiple factors.
The birth of my daughter was pretty traumatic. Don't worry, I will spare you the gory details. Nothing went as planned, and even if it did, it happened in the way I least expected it to. I imagined my daughter to be born on time and I was really looking forward to having an October baby. (Halloween themes!) If she had it her way, I'm sure she would have been born mid-November (She was born in November, one week after my due date). By the time I was induced, my birth plan went out the window. What you see on TV and media for childbirth is not an accurate representation, let me tell you. The induction wasn't going as planned, the nurses were pretty stumped as to why they couldn't figure out the right dose of oxytocin, and I was having contractions on top of contractions, but no progress. I wanted a natural birth, but I had to use the epidural because I was so weak and in so much pain from the erratic contractions and lack of food and water for over 20 hours... I needed it to get a break. For the record, I did not want the epidural and I didn't even consider it as an option pre-labor. At the end of the day, I was grateful to have it as an option. I was so weak after the birth, my body almost gave up. I lost so much blood, my heart was practically pumping nothing. My husband was terrified that he would have to raise our daughter alone, however, that thought hadn't even crossed my mind. Even though I knew my body was in peril, somehow, I knew I was going to be alright. Our daughter suffered from jaundice, and a pretty severe cone-head, but was otherwise perfectly healthy at 9+lbs! Breastfeeding was the last thing on my birth plan that I absolutely wanted and did not want to compromise on. My poor girl was born with a pretty severe tongue tie and couldn't latch properly. Not for lack of trying. She had it corrected in the hospital, but it wasn't enough. We had to supplement her with formula, and I pumped and fed her with an oral syringe. We had to have the frenotomy done two more times after that to fully correct her tongue tie. After that, we were able to finally ditch the formula! Birth plan complete. I thought the hardest part was over.
"Nothing went as planned, and even if it did, it happened in the way I least expected it to."
For the first six months of her life, she was miserable with colic. Everyone who approached me, as a new mom, said that the first 6 months were the easiest and to enjoy that time. I don't know what kind of babies they had, mine breathed fire every waking second it seemed. We found techniques over the 6 months that absolutely made things better: I had to not eat dairy, we changed breastfeeding positions, we gave her probiotics, did tummy rubs and bicycle legs, and had a vibrating rocking chair for her that was an absolute lifesaver. After starting solids at 6 months, she seemed to grow out of it for the most part. It was like she was a whole new baby. She was awake and happy! This is what it must have felt like for those other moms. Don't get me wrong, there were times during the first 6 months where she was awake and happy, but that could change at any moment and she was hard to predict. For me personally, while it was hard, I was still on the high of pregnancy hormones and just happy to have her. I gave her reiki every day, and I got to see beautiful results of that. She met or exceeded every developmental milestone, and was keeping up with her percentile range.
The first time I encountered post-partum rage was when she suddenly started squirming at diaper changes. I felt like I was wrangling a tiny alligator that would wriggle and roll and I was lucky to take her soiled diaper off, let alone put a clean one on. I had done a lot of healing and discovering to get to where I was, and to feel the intense rage bubbling up inside me at that moment over my daughter's squirming really scared me. I couldn't control it and I lashed out. I really felt like a failure in that moment. I didn't do anything to hurt her, but I could tell she sensed something was off and she cried. It happened a few more times after that, especially during diaper changes, and despite how much I wanted to control it, or heal it, or do something to make it go away... it persisted.
"As a spiritual practitioner, I thought that having these feelings made me a fraud."
As a spiritual practitioner, I thought that having these feelings made me a fraud. I felt like I should have been able to handle things easier and be a perfect mom while raising a spirited child. I was being influenced by media, even though wasn't aware of it at the time. Media has a tendency to wrap things into perfectly tidy boxes, and it is so easy to want to fit inside that box. But the reality is that we deserve so much more, and what we see on tv and media is not what it seems. Everyone starts somewhere, and I am realizing I am only 1.5 years into parenting and I have a long ways to go. Rather than feeling bad about having these feelings, I am utilizing my spirituality to help me figure out why it's happening, and how having these feelings can make me a better mom and healer. They are not flaws, they are hints given to me to seek out what isn't serving me so I can identify and heal it, and most importantly, not repeat it. Through my shadow work (a term used to describe seeking out and embracing and/or healing traumas, etc.), I have discovered multiple things:
1. My daughter is triggering a lot of pent up anger and unresolved emotions from my childhood and adolescence and bringing it to the surface. It is literally energy that is stored deep down, and once it is disturbed, it rises to the surface like steam from a geyser;
2. The pregnancy hormones have finally left, and I have to deal with my health and hormone issues that have been left unresolved my entire life. Poly cystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) being one of them;
3. Being an empath and being so connected with my daughter, we reflect our emotions very strongly. Big feelings, amplified;
4. Ascension. (You can read more about ascension here.) As I am ascending, I am being forced to deal with my anger and find healthy ways to cope and overcome it;
5. Past life traumas. There are a number of unresolved issues from our past lives. When I clear one thing, another pops up!;
6. My current perspective on specific outcomes, beliefs, fears, expectations, and what I think is happening vs. what is really happening is limiting me. I'm not able to see the whole picture on my own 'stuff' sometimes, and when in the moment, it is hard to step back and see what is really going on;
7. Anger is a symptom of feeling unsupported. It really does take a village to raise a child (I always thought that this statement was for supporting the child. I now realize it's also for supporting the parents), and with COVID restrictions, I don't feel like I have my village. At the very least, not in the way I needed it. It is very important to find a good support system in all areas of life.
"...I am utilizing my spirituality to help me figure out why it's happening, and how having these feelings can make me a better mom and healer."
This last week, my daughter had a major bout of teething pain and went on a nursing strike. I was determined to breastfeed at least until she turned 2 and was unaware that nursing strikes were a thing! I still don't really know if the nursing strike will be a permanent thing, but I had to accept that it could go either way. While I did get pretty emotional over the whole situation, I learned from this experience that I can either accept and honor the independent little person in front of me, or be consumed by my own emotions over something I only had the illusion of control over. I felt my emotions and now I will need to let it go and accept whatever decision she makes. This lesson can be carried forward to multiple areas of my life, and I am confident it will serve me in the future.
These discoveries will assist me in healing not only myself, but others who are going through the same thing. This is what it means to be a healer. We need to experience and embrace both sides of ourselves to feel wholeness (I am referring to light work and shadow work, not just in the spiritual context). I deserve to be whole, and I love myself enough to stop judging and comparing my own life and experiences with others.
"I deserve to be whole, and I love myself enough to stop judging and comparing my own life and experiences with others."
Being a mom has it's challenges, and being a spiritual mom has a whole other set of challenges. I am grateful for the tools and knowledge I have that help support me in both of these journeys. The experience with my daughter going on strike came as a surprise, however I knew something was going to happen based on the synchronicities I've been seeing lately (333, 444, 555). They were telling me that changes were going to be happening, new doors and opportunities will arise, and that I am supported in these changes, but I just didn't know exactly what to expect. The bigger picture was given to me after the fact: that my daughter needed the intense teething pain to be able to discover her newfound independence; give me the time and availability I have been wanting to do more in my spirituality and business; and find other ways to bond with her that wouldn't be so reliant on breastfeeding. Not to mention, breastfeeding is likely a contributor to my hormonal mood swings. There are a number of reasons why it had to happen the way it did. You don't always see it in the moment, but "hindsight is 20/20," right?
We often beat ourselves up for our faults or perceived failures and it can create unhealthy patterns and blockages and prevent us from moving forward. I forgive myself for the actions I took when I didn't know what I know now. If you identify with my journey, read this statement again.
You can contact me by email at cathyrosehealing@gmail.com or visit my Facebook page www.facebook.com/cathyrosehealing or my website www.cathyrosehealing.wixsite.com/home
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