I have a confession to make. I am not perfect. I struggle on a daily basis to try to keep to my values, to make good decisions, listen to my guides, and use reiki when I need it... Some days are better than others, but the reality is, I struggle a lot more than I think I should. Why?
I ask myself this regularly and I don't always come up with the answer I want to hear. I create my reality, and sometimes my wants aren't exactly what's in my highest interest. But it isn't like I am not following my purpose, I believe I am for the most part, it is more like I have a tendency to take the scenic route.
This post is going to uncover a few deep secrets for me, and I'm not sure how things are going to play out, but I know the universe has my back no matter what.
I remember an option being offered to me by my spirit guide at the time, before getting pregnant with my daughter, while my husband and I were dealing with our separation.
"The path you want to go is possible, but it will be hard."
At the time, I was struggling with the idea of separation and had some pretty big feelings regarding being in my thirties and not having a child. (This is an unhealthy belief, by the way.) I was emotional, and was weighing what I was feeling at that moment as being too difficult to deal with. I thought that was the dark, scary path I needed to avoid. I think looking back on that, I ended up taking the dark, scary path anyway.
I was afraid to be alone and navigate life again without a partner. I love my husband, and I realized I wanted to try again, but little did I realize what "it will be hard" actually meant. I honestly thought following through with the separation would have been harder. Who knows, maybe it would have been.
The things I am struggling with are hard to put into words, but here are some:
I love my daughter; I try very hard to be patient and empathetic with her, but sometimes I lose my cool and make decisions I'm not proud of. I let those go and try to do better next time. I am also working hard on breaking generational trauma, and I fight it off on a daily basis. This is an every day struggle.
I love my husband; I try to be patient and empathetic to his needs, and I try to accommodate him and his goals whenever possible. Unfortunately, sometimes I forget I need to be patient and empathetic with him and I lose my cool; or, I bottle it up and hope it disappears (spoiler: it never disappears). This can be a daily or weekly struggle.
I love what I do for work, and I try very hard to make time to write my blogs, work on my website, get clients, think of new ways to bring clients in, talk to my business guides on what I should do, create courses, and more. However, sometimes I can't make the time and all the ideas sit in my head because I can't always seem to write them down when I think of them (often, my best ideas come when I am nap trapped with my daughter, or just before bed). All the ideas floating in my head end up not being acted on because I am a mother and a wife, first. This is a daily struggle.
And then I cry, because I wonder if my life would have been more straightforward if I had followed through when I was given the choice. The things I wanted so badly in my life have now become the things creating obstacles between me and my current goals. "...It's possible, but it will be hard." It is really hard.
In a previous blog post about Where do we go when we fall asleep?, I mentioned a time where I had a lucid dream. I got to do it only once, and I distinctly remember the feeling of losing control in the dream for it to continue on without me. Over the last few weeks, I have felt a very similar feeling, only this time it is much slower and not in a dream. With everything stressing me out these days, and struggling so much on a daily basis, I have literally felt myself 'falling asleep' in terms of my spiritual awakening.
I don't want to get swept away by my struggles and 'fall asleep' again. The thought of doing that makes tears well up in my eyes because I know that isn't what I'm meant to do.
Having to go through yet another spiritual awakening...I'm sure it would be beneficial, but definitely not ideal.
I don't think I'm alone in my struggles. I think a lot of spiritually awakened people are struggling to stay 'awake.' I would dare say, it's possible that some people fall back to 'sleep' and don't even realize it. It would have been so easy to miss had I not felt a similar feeling before with my lucid dreaming experience.
I've discovered that a spiritual awakening is not something you go through and never have to do again. It is a commitment to stay true to yourself, to heal, and to keep correcting your trajectory to follow your soul plan in order to stay 'awake.' I've learned that detours are to be expected, and even scenic routes can be taken, just as long as you still get to where you need to go.
The problem is when that scenic route or detour becomes the main trajectory and isn't in alignment with your soul plan.
That isn't to say that I will leave my husband and daughter and go do my own thing. I just need to find a better way to balance being true to my self, being a mom, a wife, and a spiritual business owner. This needs to be priority so that I don't feel like my struggles are taking over.
I don't want to stop writing my blogs every week, however I may need to take a temporary hiatus, and here's why:
I have been trying to get my new website up and functional for the last few months. I have no budget to hire someone to do it for me, and I want to focus really hard gaining subscribers with a newsletter so I can start building my client base. I also have other ideas (including teaching reiki) swimming in my head that would help bring in clients that I would like to try to tackle.
I chose to follow a biologically normal attachment parenting style which requires me to be very present with my daughter, which also means a lot of my time is dedicated to her. I cannot afford childcare, so that is not currently an option.
My husband is going to school and taking classes to reach his goals, which requires a certain amount of time each week to do his work.
I have to choose what to focus on and complete it so that I can move on to the next task. Currently, I am trying to focus on too many things and getting nothing done. My blog is something that does not have a completion date, and has not yet provided me with any income.
This isn't an excuse, it is self-care.
I will continue writing again once I feel I have a better understanding of where my business is headed. I may throw in the odd blog here and there, so don't unsubscribe just yet! I will also send out an update to view my new website once it is launched.
All the best and Love & Light to you,
Cathy Rose Whittingstall.
About Cathy Rose: Cathy is a spiritual blogger who shares her personal experiences, knowledge and training to help others navigate, understand and heal throughout their own spiritual journey.
You can contact Cathy by email at cathyrosehealing@gmail.com or visit her Facebook page www.facebook.com/cathyrosehealing or her website www.cathyrosehealing.wixsite.com/home
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