Childhood trauma is one of those things often mistaken, misunderstood, forgotten, and left un-healed. When we think of childhood trauma, we think that something really serious must have happened, like child sexual abuse or physical abuse. While those are tragic forms of childhood trauma, there are lesser known traumas to consider - and we all have them! In my previous post I talk about healing your triggers, and I mention that you need to heal your trauma to do so. When it comes to healing your childhood trauma, it can get pretty tricky and emotional.
"...there are lesser known traumas to consider - and we all have them!"
For a long time, I didn't consider myself to have had any real childhood trauma. Nothing bad happened to me, I wasn't abused, neglected, or otherwise harmed. I loved my parents, I still do, and I think they did a fine job raising me. It was only when I started to heal some of my unhealthy patterns and having to re-learn healthy coping mechanisms that I finally realized I have childhood trauma, too. I can guarantee that everyone has some form of childhood trauma. This does not mean you can go ahead and start blaming your parents, siblings, etc. for your problems. They likely didn't know any better and they have their own childhood, generational, and ancestral traumas to deal with, too. It is 100% your own responsibility to heal, regardless of who did what to you.
Generational trauma is slightly different than childhood trauma, but it is so closely knit into your childhood and how you were raised, that it shapes your future perceptions, reactions and behaviors to things. Trauma accrued up to seven generations before you will still affect you now. Think of trauma like a rock dropped into a still lake. The bigger the trauma, the bigger the rock. For every ripple made in the water is how deeply that trauma has affected you and your lineage, and it has potential to keep going for 7 more generations! On top of generational trauma, there is ancestral trauma. Ancestral trauma is passed down not only from lineage, but your own personal past life history and can accumulate way beyond generational trauma. All of this trauma is incredibly daunting! This is why you must break the cycle and heal your own traumas now, so your future generations don't carry as much of it with them. You will not be able to completely protect your child(ren) from all trauma, it is up to them to heal the trauma they encounter in their life. You can, however, prevent your own trauma from being passed down to them so they can get a head start.
"It is 100% your own responsibility to heal, regardless of who did what to you."
Childhood trauma includes:
Abuse of any kind to yourself or family or friends
Trafficking
Medical trauma i.e. surgeries, cancer, etc.
Car accidents
Early childhood trauma i.e. birth
Community violence i.e. living in a rough neighborhood
Bullying and/or harassment
Natural disasters
Death of a family member or friend
Neglect or abandonment
Marital/Relationship violence between your parents or other adults you knew
Refugee trauma i.e. war trauma, persecution, escaping hostile environments, relocating to unfamiliar environments, etc.
This is what you probably thought of when thinking of childhood trauma. But it also includes, and is not limited to:
Invalidation of your feelings: "Suck it up."; "Don't cry/big kids don't cry."; "Shh!"
Emotional neglect: Your parents were too busy putting food on the table and didn't have the time or energy to tend to your emotional needs; low income families; single parent families.
Being punished for expressing yourself: "If you cry again, I'll ground you..."; "If you are good, we can go get ice cream..." (Yes - rewards are punishments, too!)
Not being allowed to be the child: One or more parents were not taking responsibility for your basic needs. In order to survive, you had to cook, clean, maintain the house, find work, take care of your siblings, or more.
Being the emotional support, or 'unofficial' therapist to your parents: Your parents confide in you and release all their stresses onto you. As a child, you have yet to learn that their problems are not your problems.
Parent arguments: Listening to your parents argue about financial/marital/health/job stresses. Taking it upon yourself to try to "fix" their problems.
Unstable environments: Moving a lot, losing friends, etc.
Struggling with day-to-day activities: Suffering from undiagnosed learning disorders or health conditions; your first language is not the language of the place you moved to, mobility issues, etc.
Vanity: Your parents always fussed over your weight, how you look, enrolled you in pageants, casting calls, etc.
Conflict avoidance: Your parents never had healthy arguments, or they often avoided conflict altogether and it resulted in other unhealthy coping mechanisms, or mental break downs.
People pleasing or honoring the family/upholding a reputation: Even if it hurt you and your family, your parents would please others before you in order to uphold tradition, or a certain reputation, etc. (i.e. In some cultures, if a daughter is raped, the parents may make a deal to marry off the daughter to the offender in order to keep the reputation of the family name.)
Family business: Expectations from one or more parent for the child to take over the family business when they are older.
You were taught that boundaries were selfish and/or you were not taught boundaries: "Be polite!"; "Give your grandma a kiss."; "Don't you dare hang up on me!"
You were not taught bodily autonomy or self-governance: Consent; correct anatomic terms; having control over one's own body and decisions; self-worth; empowerment.
Taking the blame for things that weren't your fault: Being forced to apologize for the parent's mistake, or someone else's mistake.
Having siblings or being an only child: single child with no one to play with; sibling arguments/fights or having to share/no sense of ownership.
Friends who experienced trauma.
Fighting with friends, and unresolved fights.
and more...
As you can see, there are a lot of instances where trauma can occur. Trauma is defined as "an emotional upset" according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Trauma is a very personal experience and an "emotional upset" can be anything to a child. It may even be subconscious and you don't remember the trauma occurring. "That's how I was raised, and I turned out fine," is a very common phrase I hear from people in denial about their own childhood trauma. If you have ever experienced any of the instances listed above, then you likely have childhood trauma and it is in your best interest to heal it as soon as you are able.
Tribute to my inner child
(By Cathy Rose Whittingstall) I'm sorry I was not there when you needed me. I'm here, now. I have healed enough to see you,
to recognize your wounds. I have grown enough to know that this too, shall pass. I know more now than I did before,
that the pain you are enduring is not only yours, but everyone's. We can let that go, now, because I am here - we made it. I am the present version of you,
so you can trust me when I say that everything will be alright. I validate you, I honor you, I love you.
How To Heal Your Inner Child
There are many ways to go about it, and many resources available to you on the internet or via a licensed therapist. The way I'm going to share with you here is something that I channeled to heal my own inner child. I hope that it works well for you, as well. Disclaimer: If you are looking to heal trauma from abuse, or other tragic events, I recommend you speak with a licensed therapist prior to doing this exercise.
Step 1: Give yourself permission to heal.
We are always so busy with our to-do lists, we often put aside or even deny ourselves the time needed to heal. If you can't be there for yourself, it makes this whole exercise null. Please give yourself permission to heal fully, and to observe (not re-live) and release whatever comes up in the next steps.
Step 2: Invite your inner child to sit with you.
This can be done in meditation, or psychically (using your clair's - I touch on this briefly in Spiritual Guidance) at your kitchen table. Whichever way you decide, intentionally ask your inner child to come forward and meet with you.
Step 3: Validate their feelings.
Ask your inner child why they are crying, or angry, or upset, or happy, or sad, etc. Tell your inner child that you will hold space for them, and that their feelings are valid. Remember, YOU are the adult, here.
Step 4: Listen to the answer without judgement.
It may be simple, it may be complicated. For me personally, my inner child visually took me through a multitude of instances where my feelings were hurt, I didn't get validation, there was conflict avoidance, or there were big feelings that needed an outlet, and many other things.
Disclaimer: It is VERY important that you not re-live trauma, especially if you are intending to heal severe trauma like abuse. You are only there to observe as an outsider, and to support your inner child. You are not there to go through every detail of what happened. Remember, the mind is a powerful thing. It can heal trauma, but it can also re-create it. If you are looking to heal trauma from abuse, or other tragic events, I recommend you speak with a licensed therapist prior to doing this exercise.
Step 5: Be there for your inner child.
"Show up" in all these instances they show you or tell you about. You can't change the past and what happened, but you can show up as the adult you never had. Energetically alter your own memories to include a supportive figure (the present you), always being there for when your inner child needs you. You are re-writing the past to clear the emotions around it, not the actual events. You don't need to think about how to put yourself there, that doesn't matter. Find out what your inner child needed from an adult in that moment, and be there to give them what they need.
Step 6: Reassure your inner child.
Tell your inner child that everything will be okay. Talk to them in a way they would understand, and as though they are experiencing the trauma in that moment. You are welcome to read my "Tribute to my inner child" mantra to your inner child.
Step 7: Forgive others and yourself.
You may recognize this step from my previous post (5 Steps to "Let it Go" and Feel Empowered), as it is essential for healing. Forgive others for hurting you, then forgive yourself for hurting yourself as well as for forgiving those who have hurt you. Forgiveness does not excuse the actions, but instead takes back your power from the event or person that caused the hurt.
After you have completed this exercise, take note of how you feel. Bring yourself back to the present moment by observing your senses (I see my table, I feel a breeze, I smell an orange, etc.), or go for a walk, or other grounding and centering exercise. Bring all your energy back from the past to the present so you are not lingering or dwelling on anything that happened. Allow yourself to let it go and move on, knowing that your inner child is supported by the only person that matters, You.
"...Your inner child is supported by the only person that matters, You."
About Cathy Rose: Cathy is a spiritual blogger who shares her personal experiences, knowledge and training to help others navigate, understand and heal throughout their own spiritual journey.
You can contact Cathy by email at cathyrosehealing@gmail.com or visit her Facebook page www.facebook.com/cathyrosehealing or her website www.cathyrosehealing.wixsite.com/home
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